Dark and Stormy

Feeling gloomy. 

I went to watch Balinese dancing last night. I went with a French girl from the dorm. We had a nightmare trying to find it, originally we were going to watch fire dancing but because of a big ceremony in the village it was cancelled. 

We were walking back towards the hostel to find food and then came across a lady selling tickets for a ballet at the water palace. We bought tickets for 80,000rp each and then headed straight there. 

We got a seat to the side of the stage, well a perch on a step rather than a seat. There were huge lights that when switched on shone straight into our faces. It wasn’t ideal, especially as I was feeling a bit migrainey again. I think it’s the weather,  it’s so close and like there needs to be a storm to clear the built up pressure. 

The ballet was bizarre! From what I could gather from the leaflet and watching it, a beautiful woman was in love with a handsome man but an old ugly prince wanted to marry her and had been given her father’s permission. 

So, the handsome man turned himself into a deer (it gets weirder) and tried to trick the old prince. The prince shoots an arrow at the deer and he turns back into a man. 

A dragon came and put the beautiful woman into a protected circle, but then the old prince tricked her out of the circle by pretending to be a thirsty tramp. 

The old prince takes the beautiful woman way to his castle to marry. 

A lot of little monkeys (yep) find her and call their leader, a big white gorilla. The gorilla saves the beautiful woman from the castle. 

A big fight happens between the handsome man and white gorilla against the old prince. The old prince is killed and the handsome man and beautiful woman get their happy ending. For now. 

After the ballet, we had a quick dinner of nasi gorang and then I was ready for bed after such a long day. 

I was ready for 10.30am this morning for my shuttle bus to Amed. I had no idea what was here but lots of people had mentioned it so I just booked a bus and a hostel yesterday night. 

When I got ok the bus there were already a few people on it. They were busy chatting about the Gili Islands and the Mount Batur trek. I could have easily joined in with stuff to say but again I just didn’t want to. 

I sat in silence, their chattering annoying me. I remembered I had my head phones so popped them in and turned Rag n Bone Man up loud. 

I seem to be having a bit of a down few days. I guess it is the departure of B, but actually when she was still here I felt strange. I guess I thought when she was here I would feel my old happy self, but I didn’t. I was so happy that she was here and it was so lovely to spend time together, but I know I wasn’t Sazzle. 

I had a horrible moment last night. C has started chatting to me again, even though we didn’t meet up when I was home. We have a running joke about him loving me and me having no heart.

We were having another banterous conversation, that if we had seen each other when I was home he would have fallen back in love with me because I’m just so loveable. He then asked who else loves me?

I read the message over and over again. I knew he meant it as a joke but it just got me. 

No one. 

No one loves me. 

I burst into tears and couldn’t stop. I know my family love me and my friends love me. But no one loves me in a romantic way. 

No one has chosen me to be theirs, to spend their time with me. To share their life and heart with me. To put me first before anyone else.

I’m nobody’s favourite.

But I don’t want to just be just anyone’s favourite. I want to be his favourite again. I want him to love me again. 

On the bus today, I realised I was jealous of B. She is so in love and trusts G so explicitly. She talked a lot about him when she was here, I encouraged it asking what he was doing each day. I know she missed him although they were both having a good time. 

I just don’t know how I will ever trust someone again. I trusted him. It never crossed my mind he would ever do this to me. I never questioned him or felt that I needed to. I never worried about where he was or who he was with, as he didn’t with me. We were in love, there was no need to. 

My friends asked if we did stay together how I could ever trust him again, and my thoughts were that I could see how much he regretted it and how much he hated himself for hurting me. He wouldn’t do it again. 

But then he couldn’t forgive himself and so we are where we are. Solo travelling with my broken heart. 

My fear is, if we don’t meet up and it really is over with him, at some point I guess I will meet a new man who makes me feel special. But how could I ever trust them? They haven’t hurt me yet and so haven’t felt the pain and regret at doing so. So I will always be waiting. Waiting for them to slip up. To be tempted. To break my heart.

So I will always be on guard and I won’t let them. I won’t question them and be paranoid. But I won’t give them my heart, not fully. I don’t think it’s whole to give anymore anyway. 

My mum has said I give myself too fully too quickly, wearing my heart on my sleeve and giving it fully to the person I love. I should have learnt from previous heartbreak.

Well, I guess I have well and truly learnt this time. 

But then I think surely that’s not what love should be. Holding back, hiding a part of me from them. Protecting myself from the unknown. But I guess that is what I will have to do to survive.

Amed, which is the little village I am in now is doing nothing to improve or help my mood. 

I walked to the beach after checking in and it was so gloomy and grey it was horrible. 

The sand is black because it’s volcanic, the sea was inky dark and the sky was grey with clouds. As I started to walk along the shoreline it started raining. 

I had a swim because it was so hot and close but I didn’t like it. The sea was so dark it felt like I was in really deep water. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not feeling great but I then had an old shark panic and had to get out. This has made me even more angry. I thought I was getting there with the shark phobia. 

Just a dark and gloomy day with lots of horrible thoughts and feelings going on. It feels like Sazzle has gone. 

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