Ok I’ve admitted it. Today I am not ok. Today I am sad. Today I am lonely.
And I am in paradise.
After the long journey, the boat pulled up to the jetty on a bay. The water was crystal clear and turquoise, small fish darted under us.
I stepped off the water taxi and walked slowly down the jetty with my bags to the soft white sand.
The Ecomarine Resort was at one end of the beach with a large sign. I walked down, a few others were also arriving at the same time.
I felt tired, having only a few disturbed hours sleep on the bus I just wanted to get to bed. I hoped they would let us check in and not have to wait until 2pm.
We got to the resort where a lady was sat behind a desk under a plastic sheet.
She took our passports and offered us tea which I gratefully accepted. I hadn’t had anything to drink for hours.
However after 10 minutes of waiting I wish I had just checked in first and then I could be in bed already!
The tea came out and I drank it quickly, scalding my throat as I did. I went up to the counter before the others, not wanting them to take the available beds!
I finally got checked in and she pointed to the door round the corner. There is only one key to the 8 bed dorm and the girl in there already had it. Bit of a strange set up.
I got into the dorm and as it was only 8am, the girl was asleep. She was on a top bunk and had spread her stuff over 3 other beds!
I picked a bottom bunk close to the fan, dropped my bag to floor and lay down. I was asleep within 5 minutes.
At some point in must have felt chilly as I woke up a few hours later with the blanket over me.
I felt like I had been asleep for hours but looking at the clock it was only 11.30am so still a full day ahead.
I went in search of the toilet, which I found 2 squat toilets and 3 showers. No sinks. Or mirrors.
Back in the dorm, after spraying hose water all over my legs after I lost control, I sat on the edge of the bed and decided if I should go back to sleep or go to the beach.
Maybe I chose wrong but I put my bikini on, got my sarong and sunglasses and headed out to the sun.
It was hot, 33 degrees, with no breeze.
I walked slowly down to the other end of the beach. Watching the different coloured water taxis come in and out to the little jetties. Crabs ran across the sand amd disappeared into their holes in the sand quicker than a blink.
Along the beach were a few cafe/restaurants, a few resorts with bungalows and rooms as well as a lot of diving and snorkelling centres.
Halfway down the beach I was so hot and sticky I stripped off my shorts and tshirt and had a dip in the sea. It was shallow and so much coral on the ground it was quite difficult to swim. But it was so clear, I could see my feet as if I wasn’t in water.
I realised I was really hungry. The pringles and Oreos on the bus were 12 hours ago!
I got out and wrapped my sarong round me, and started walking to the end.
Not many were open, with it being Ramadan they don’t open until sundown.
I found a little place with blue and yellow plastic chairs on my way back. The menu was pretty reasonable and as I am by the sea I ordered deep fried squid.
It came with French fries that could have been hotter but the squid was soft and tasty.
I ate quickly and had watermelon for pudding which was nice and refreshing.
I walked back to my end of the beach, found a sunny spot. I had an issue in that the hostel didn’t have wifi, and they sold SIM cards for 20r but they wouldn’t work in my phone.
I didn’t want to be out of contact from my family, firstly because I knew it would worry them. They knew I was going to an island but they would panic if they didn’t hear from me until Friday. Also, with little Lochlan having treatment I wanted to be kept up to date.
I turned my wifi on and an open connection appeared. Bingo! I clicked on it and it came up with a login page. I had passed the Flora Bay Resort not far from the hostel so up I got and walked back down the beach.
I went up to reception and asked about the wifi. He pointed to a price list, just 12r for 2 days. Amazing!
Feeling better that I could now communicate, I went back to the same spot and lay my sarong down.
I lay down but I was just not able to settle. After putting suncream on I though I could lie on my front for a bit and have a nap.
I was so uncomfortable. I was hot and sticky, I was somehow covered in sand and the ground was so hard.
I turned on my music and this helped. I lay there for about an hour, not falling asleep but being in a nice dozy state.
I went back into the sea for a bit but I saw a huge fish and it freaked me a little. And I mean 2 foot long huge!
I hopped out and decided to lie on my back for a bit to hopefully sort out my tan lines on my front. I hate sunbathing like this, it’s so uncomfortable and just feels hotter. Plus the sun was blaring down into my eyes.
I was fidgety – changing music, posting on Instagram, adding photos to Facebook, texting mum, messaging Eric to see where he was, replying to Jamie, texting Beth, taking photos. All with a 2 minute lie down inbeteeen!
I decided to brave the sea again which stopped my fidgeting. I spent longer this time, floating on the top and even going fully underwater.
A group of snorkellers set off from the beach. They go out far, probably 500-800m from the shore. I would like to give it a go but I’m scared I will panic. I’m better now in water where I can stand up, but still have little panics like earlier.
Maybe I’ll brave it. I will see how I feel in the coming days.
I went back to sunbathing for a bit, and then had a final swim and headed back to the hostel.
I hadn’t brushed my hair since leaving Sri Lanka and it was horrible. It was starting to mat together on top and underneath, where I had it in a top knot all the time, the hair was staying upwards instead of going down.
I got my stuff and had a really long but cold shower. I washed my hair twice with shampoo and then conditioned it.
It took a good half hour to get the tiny comb through it all. I was surprised that I had grown, at least an inch if not more!
I got dressed into shorts and a watermelon tshirt as I was texting Beth and the Sri Lanka squad.
I went to the hostel desk and asked for a drink, she said she could do it in a bit but the chef had gone to the main land. I checked the prices for a coke and it was 8r so I didn’t want one anyway.
I walked along the beach for a bit and came across a hammock. I decided to get in it to take a photo. I ended up staying in it for about 30 minutes. I had wifi and it was comfy!
I was scrolling through Facebook messenger and he was online. It’s the first time I’ve seen him online for ages, not that I have been checking. I wanted to speak to him. I wanted to tell him I’m still in love with him. I wanted to tell him he’s a fucking c**t too.
I opened our chat. We last spoke on the 10th May. It’s over a month. I was so tempted but I knew it wouldn’t help. I wanted him to talk to me. I’m the one in pain and it’s his fault.
I started typing random letters. Stupid I know, but I thought if he saw the typing dots against my name maybe he would say something. It was a stupid idea and it didn’t work. I deleted the letters and closed messenger.
I thought I would go back to the place I had lunch as they had coke for 3r. I also needed a bottle of water as I had definitely not drank enough.
There was a problem. All the cafes and restaurants were shut between 4pm and 7pm. Nothing was open.
I was near to the end of the beach when I saw 3 men sat at a table in one. I walked up and asked if they were open for a drink. They all just stared at me.
I asked again, drink? And mimmed drinking! One man stood up and just said closed.
I walked away and I suddenly just felt so sad. Tears rolled down my face.
I felt so stupid. And ashamed.
I’m in paradise, on an actual paradise island with white sand, palm trees and blue water. I should be chilled and relaxed. Happy and carefree.
All I wanted was a hug. A hug from anyone would have been nice. A hug from him would have been perfect.
I feel so alone. I know I chose to go solo away from Eric but I just haven’t found anyone else yet.
Penang was such a cool city but wandering alone was a bit quiet.
Everyone here is with someone. The boat over was full of couples. The beach is full of couples.
As I’m sat here eating, I’m on a table in the middle of couples. It seems paradise islands are only paradise for those with someone to share it with.
Not for Sazzle.