Floods and Feelings

Feeling contemplative. 

We went to bed at 10pm last night but then were called into the living room by the coordinators to hear about the flooding, as they had had some worried parents contact the uk office. 

The area of Ambalangoda is currently safe, but the flooding is not far from us and the elephant village is affected. The elephants will be taken to safety if needed but it’s doubtful we will be able to get to the lake with them in the next few days. 

It hasn’t rained for 2 days so hopefully this has given a bit of rest bite and time to recover what they can, but more rain is due.

This morning elephants has been cancelled. The area close to the elephant house has 2 dams and they are now on red risk. If they burst whilst we were there we would be trapped and in danger so it’s for our own safety to cancel it. The death toll is now up to 251 people and 120 people are missing. It’s so scary and upsetting, it’s happening just down the road from us. 

The water is coming down from the hill country to the lower levels and this is causing the stress on the dams. If it rains again I can’t see us being able to get back to the elephants before I leave on Friday. 

This morning we have nothing else to do, as the turtles are full and so we just have a free morning. We have asked if there is anything we can do to help the flood victims but it’s too dangerous to go anywhere near the villages until the water has stabilised a bit more. I hope we are able to help, rather than spend the week doing nothing. Doing nothing leaves me time to think. 

I have still had no contact with him, and it’s a weird feeling. I marked myself as safe on Facebook, and I wondered if he would see it and worry, but nothing.

I’m not even sure what country he is in now, still in Vietnam or if he’s moved on.

I think I am getting there, I can think about him briefly and not cry. Ashamedly, I would still take him back with no question if he asked but I know this is unlikely to happen and I can’t keep clinging onto this. I wonder if as time goes on this will change. Will I heal and with that shut off the feelings I have for him? Will I be able to think about him in time and not feel a flash of intensity, such a longing it scares me? 

I am still chatting to C, and I think having someone else to talk to is helping take my mind off him. I’m glad I’m the other side of the world, otherwise I would probably be stupid and see him. I don’t want C, I’ve had heartbreak over him before and him over me, and although I say I’m getting there I’m no where near close to wanting anyone else. However, C’s just laughing at my quarter life crisis and cliched run away, thinking I’ll come home soon. I’ve told him I won’t be, but he keeps teasing me and it’s made me laugh at myself. I really couldn’t have done anything more cliche – chopped all my hair off and dyed it, sold or gave away everything I owned and then got on a plane with a one way ticket with pretty much no plan! Heartbroken and fragile, but determined to do it anyway. 

I’m not sure I will ever be the same Sazzle that I was, maybe that has gone too far. I was happy, carefree and too trusting with my heart, even after being hurt by my ex of 5 years. I thought he was a one off and told myself I couldn’t judge all men by him and his actions. I enjoyed being single, I had fun and made some amazing girlfriends.

And then I fell head over heels for him. I tried to resist it, for a couple of months I denied it, but I knew. I knew after the first time of meeting him that we had a connection and I wanted more. 

Luckily for me, he felt the same and said the L word first, melting any resistance I had left. I had never been so happy.

And now I know this is going to be different in the future. I will guard my heart forever and not let anyone hurt me again.

The trust that love means everything has gone; he loved me, I could see it in his eyes, but yet he could still do this and hurt me to the point of breaking. I can never go through that again as I know I won’t survive it again. That physical pain of feeling my heart shatter, knowing it was caused by the person I love more than anything in the world. The person I had given everything, who I trusted with my life and never even thought could hurt me. 

I have been waiting for the angry stage, but think I have skipped that. Weirdly, I feel like I’ve come to an understanding in my head, a knowledge that I have been through the worst time of my life caused by him, and for my own sanity I need to move on. Not onto another man, but just to close that chapter and start looking forward.

Maybe searching for Sazzle isn’t the answer. I need to be who I am now and what I am going to be, not someone I used to be. 

Maybe to let go of him, I need to let go of Sazzle too. 

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