Last night I had so many dreams but they were all so realistic and just seemed to be memories being played over and over again in my head.
I dreamt about him, reliving the pain and shock, replaying our conversations about getting back together and then almost as if I was back there again, the evening we said goodbye.
I woke up just before 6am, with a tear stained face and a clammy body.
We were getting up for 7am, as we had an adventure to the rain forest, just the 5 of us. So I lay there for an hour, eyes open, just staring into space.
I thought I was doing well. I have been really trying, avoiding Facebook and not talking about him. I’ve even had a break from blogs so I don’t have to think how I’m feeling.
Consciously, I have been able to avoid feeling upset. There have been times I have thought about him, but I have managed to focus on something else and stop the sadness.
However, I can’t do that when I’m asleep. I have no control over my dreams.
We had a quick breakfast and got ready for the hike. We had read about leaches and so I wore my gym leggings with socks over the top and my hiking boots. Just a tshirt on top, with a rain coat.
As we were sat waiting, Alex (Canadian) who sleeps on my top bunk pointed at me from her bed and made a beckoning motion. I went over to see her and she asked if I was ok. I said yes, unsure what she meant. She said I had been moving all night, and at one point she was going to wake me as I was just spinning round in my sleep. I apologised and explained I had had a lots of dreams. She was fine about it and just more concerned than annoyed.
We had organised a private taxi to take us, rather than tuk tuks. It was a long way to go and so the added comfort was nice.
We didn’t talk a lot in the car, all tired and so we slept on and off. It was a 3 hour drive. These are the worst times for me. This is when my mind starts wondering and I replay things in my head or think about what I could have done differently. It’s torture and I’m really trying not to.
We arrived at the rainforest entrance for 11am and paid to enter and have a guide with us. We agreed that we would be 2 hours, the taxi driver was waiting for us.
We set off, the guide in front and quite slow. He pointed out birds, spiders and insects. There weren’t very many, but everything we did see was so much bigger than at home.
It was nice to be in the forest, again we didn’t speak much and it was just a comfortable silence. We all just enjoyed walking and taking in the quiet atmosphere.
We had been walking for nearly an hour and the guide said we had time to carry on for a bit. We agreed and went further into the rain forest.
Gemma first noticed the leach on her trainer, which Jenny flicked off with a stick. We then noticed we all had them on our shoes and legs. I just flicked them off with my nail, the others used sticks.
The longer we stood still, the more leaches we got! Rhian then shrieked as she had one on her skin. It had managed to get between her trousers and her sock!
Jenny got it off for her and there was a small hole and blood. Rhian said it didn’t hurt but that it had felt slightly itchy which is why she looked.
We all decided we wanted to go back. We were over the hour anyway, and if we carried on it got wetter and more vegetation under foot.
We marched back, the guide at the back so we could set a faster pace. Jenny stormed off ahead, determined to get out of the forest.
I was slightly worried about walking into a cobweb so I stayed close to the guide, hoping he would point out any on the way. He didn’t but i managed to get back without getting any on my face.
We got straight into the bus after stripping off our shoes and coats. We were so sweaty where we had worn rain coats.
As the bus set off we started our picnic. Crackers, crisps, cheese triangles and biscuits. Not the healthiest lunch but it gave us all energy.
Once we had eaten, we all fell asleep again. The driver went a different way, through villages rather than on the expressway and so it was much bumpier and swirly.
We got back to the house where lots of people had returned from their weekend away, plus new people and so it felt pretty crowded.
I was so tired and felt a bit off from the drive and so I got into bed. I had a little read but then fell into a deep sleep.
I woke a couple of hours later, not wanting to get up and face all the new people small talk.
Labelle came in and said we were on the balcony away from everyone if I was awake.
I ventured out and sat on the balcony, not yet awake enough to speak. It was nice to just sit amoungst the chatter.
It wasn’t long until dinner was ready. The queue was out the door and there wasn’t enough room for everyone to sit. This could be interesting going forward; not everyone was home yet.
We spent time back on the balcony, and then I went inside to watch Harry Potter! It was the last quarter of the last film and so a good bit to watch.
Annoyingly, everyone was loud and so hearing the film was quite difficult. But it reminds me of home and gives me comfort, which today I really crave.
After the film I went back on to the balcony but only for a bit before escaping to bed. Although I was tired, I couldn’t sleep for a while.
It’s now 4am and I’ve been awake for over an hour. I was tossing and turning in a half sleep and I didn’t want to wake Alex again.
I feel tired but I just can’t sleep. I hope this isn’t going to be the same habit that I got into before I came away. 3am wake ups and unable to get back off.
I need to get back into my focused frame of mind. The dreams have thrown me and made me think too much again.
Still no contact, it’s over 2 weeks now. I’m starting to crumble, I don’t want him to think I have forgotten him. But I also want him to miss me so space is probably a good thing.
Why does this have to be so difficult? Where on earth is Sazzle?