When will I feel normal?

Feeling rubbish

Today is a bank holiday in Sri Lanka so no projects. We are spending the morning sunbathing and then going into Hikkadora town after lunch for a bit of shopping and dinner. 

I have been texting him all morning, which started out as just joking about elephant penis and a mission to find the biggest penis. When I said this wasn’t my mission he asked what was. 

I decided to just go for it and said really, you don’t need to ask what I want, you know. 

He said Do i? which is just a stupid response. My feelings haven’t changed. 

He thought I’d be living the single high life which again is a stupid thing to say, and that the sun and sand and meeting new people would have changed my feelings. 

I told him no, I want to be in the sun and sand with him. 

He’s now asked if I’m not enjoying my trip, which I’ve said that I am but that I have sad moments as this is not what I wanted. 

I don’t know if this is helping, he’s certainly not said that he feels the same way so I guess he doesn’t. Why is this so difficult? Why can’t I be living the single highlife? I was a happy singleton before him, in fact I didn’t want a boyfriend and made that quite clear. Why did I have to fall in love? 

G has pretty much given up on texting when he realised I won’t be home for months and that I wasn’t going to be sending pictures of my white bits to him! He sends a text every so often but he’s just so dull! He was boring before so he’s not changed. 

C is still in contact everyday, he’s fun and makes me laugh but he is definitely not the answer. He would just bring more problems and more heartache but it’s not even that I want C. He’s joked about coming out to see me but that would be the last thing I want. 

Arghhhh I just want him. And it kills me that he doesn’t feel the same. I feel so annoyed with myself for being so pathetic. 

I just don’t know what is wrong with me. Or how I can fix this. How can I find Sazzle?!


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