Teenage Dreams

Feeling adolescent. 

I woke up at gone 8am and did not feel like getting up. I was in a hot mess, with sweaty hair and sticky skin. It is so hot in this dorm, the fan just blows hot air around.

The other girl in the dorm, Celine (Swiss), had been feeling unwell yesterday and she had just spent the day in bed. She didn’t look much better today but she got up to try breakfast. 

I stayed in bed a bit longer, listening to music and waking up. With dorm sleeping I find it difficult to be sociable as soon as I wake up. I’m not a morning person in the slighest and so probably come across either rude or stupid! 

I got up about 9.3am and went through for breakfast. I sat with Celine but she didn’t really speak either. 

John (USA) joined our table and and introduced himself. He guessed by my accent that I was from England and said that all he seemed to meet was English travellers. He said it in a way that sounded like it was a negative thing but I just laughed. He carried onto say we were everywhere and must just go travelling. I told him I had only come across one other English person in 3 weeks and I had met people from all over Europe, US, South America and Australia. He said he had not met anyone else from the states after 2 weeks in India. I just said we must be meeting different people and I had met 2 Americans in this hostel yesterday. He could tell he had put my back up and soon left.

Celine went to pack, she was going to head south. I stayed at the table and ordered an iced tea (my new favorite drink). I was just happily updating my blog when Matt joined me. We just sat together, he needed coffee before chatting which was fine with me. Matt is writing a handwritten journal, so we were both engrossed in updating our own thoughts.

It got to 12 and we decided we would go for lunch at one of the places north of the hostel that he had been recommended. He left to get his stuff and and John returned. I suppose to him it looked like I had just been sat in the same place alone for 2 hours. He asked if I was planning to leave the hostel today or just sit there. I replied that I was going for lunch. I really don’t like him!

Matt and I left the cool air conditioned coffee shop and the midday heat was like walking into a furnace! We walked about 10 minutes to a little restaurant. It was very basic with just 2 lines of canteen style tables. The food was cheap but there were lots of locals eating so we knew it would be good.

I ordered a roti thali, which is a selection 5 different dips, roti and rice. It was delicious although one was very spicy and another was so sweet it was like a pudding. It was only 100rp!  

We left and started wander about the town. It is so different from Palolem or Anjuna, it is very noticeable the lack of tourists. A lot of the shops and restaurants are shut, now that it is May the season is over. A lot of the locals pack up and move north to avoid the monsoons. I expect in high season the places is swarming with tourists, but with it closing down we stick out like a sore thumb.

We are in the Portuguese quarter and all the houses are bright colours, and it does feel like you could be in Portugal rather than India. We were walking down a cute street when we bumped into a couple that had not long arrived at the hostel. Unable to check in yet they had gone for a walk. They had gone to the park and been approached by a drunk local. They didn’t seem to impressed with Panjim so far, and said they thought it would be more lively.

We carried on walking and decided to get a drink and sit in the park. Matt got a mini bottle of whiskey and a coke, I went with 2 cans of kingfisher.  We checked with the man who said it was fine to drink in the park as long as we didn’t cause any problems and wrapped our cans in newspaper. It was like we were teenagers in the park back in England!

We found a shady patch of grass and settled down. It was nice to just relax and not be walking in the heat.

I was nearly finished my first can when a policeman spotted us and came over. He pointed at the can and said it was not allowed. Whoops! On entry to the park there was a no smoking sign, but nothing about drinking. He said we were ok to drink it on the street but not in the park…strange!

We left the park and sat outside it on a wall to finish the can. 

We checked the map and there was another park a little walk away so we set off.

We passed an indoor market and popped inside. It was crazy. There were just stalls of fruit and vegetables everywhere, with people sat among them. As we walked through, there were ladies asleep, lying amongst the fruit! Matt wanted to buy a fruit that he had had in Sri Lanka which tasted like a strawberry and a pineapple mixed together. He got a picture of it on his phone and showed it to the market sellers. He was directed to a specific stall and they had a huge one, about the size of a football which was 1000rp! A smaller, more twisted one he manged to barter down to 400rp which is still very pricey for a piece of fruit! It’s not ripe either so got to wait until tomorrow to eat it!

This park was bigger and full of groups sitting around. Again, we found a shady tree and sat down. 

We chatted about the worst place Matt had been (a village in Vietnam where he was forced to walk through thigh-high human waste!), about Sri Lanka, travelling romances (of which neither of us have had any) and cars back home.

Both feeling tired and itchy from the grass we left at gone 4pm and got back to the hostel. We both agreed a nap was in order!

I had a shower as I was so hot and sweaty, got into my shorts and vest and lay on my bed. Another person has arrived into the dorm, their stuff was everywhere. 

I started to read but couldn’t concentrate. I looked at social media but wasn’t in the mood. I just felt so tired but couldn’t sleep.

I have been trying a new tact to stop feeling so sad and try to move on – talking to different guys that I used to know. It’s weird how guys just seem to know when you are single! It’s like they sense it and contact you. 

It started after I got a text from a guy – G – that I had met on tinder when I was single before, when I was a happy single. G and I had a few months of fun but nothing serious. After we stopped seeing each other, he used to text me every few months to check if I was single again, to which most of the time I didn’t used to even respond. This time I did, telling him I was in India travelling. We have been chatting, I suppose flirting a bit. He’s a nice guy, but I just don’t feel it. I could be chatting to a girl, there is just no feelings of anything more than having a chat.

I have also been talking to C – he is someone I have known since I was 15 and we are just too complicated for ‘us’ to ever work. We both know this, and have had many discussions about it, but still when we are both single we are drawn to each other and end up in a mess. Luckily I am the other side of the world so I can’t be tempted to see him, but even talking to C, I don’t feel it. Maybe it would be different if I saw C in person, maybe there is nothing because I know we won’t see each other so there’s no point opening myself up to him. Or maybe I have finally got C out of my head and that’s why I feel nothing – it’s only taken over a decade!

The thought of being with anyone else makes me feel sick, and I guess I feel like I would just be pretending. I also couldn’t say for certain that I wouldn’t just break down and cry! How embarrassing would that be?! 

So the hunt for Sazzle continues, not even reminders of how happy I was when I was single in the past can coax her out.


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