Feeling emotional. 

We had only one drink at the bar, non-alcoholic for me, and then came home.

Our new room is small. There are 3 beds and a table. The bathroom is outside to the side, shared with another room which luckily is empty so it’s just us (and a couple of mini frogs).

Even though I was so tired I didn’t sleep well. We got to bed about 2am. There is no WiFi in the room, but I had set an alarm as we were due to check it at 10am so kept my phone above my pillow.

I was worried about bugs and being bitten. I was also worried about kicking Erik in the head as his bed was next to mine, my feet only a few inches from his head!

I drifted off and but woke at intervals, at one point I woke up and was actually cold! The room has a fan on the ceiling and it obviously does its job. My skin was cold and I thought about finding something to cover me but couldn’t be bothered to get up. I was then worried that I was ill, as even with the fan surely being cold was unusual.

I woke again when my phone vibrated at 5am, I looked at it and he had text me.

So yesterday in my hungover state I gave in and text him, fed up of him ignoring me and I needed to know if he was going to continue to do so. So I just text him asking how he was and if he was enjoying Myanmar. He text back within a few hours and was just chatting like normal.

This message at 5am asked when I am due to go to Sri Lanka. I don’t know how the message came through as I didn’t have any WiFi so I couldn’t reply.

I went back to sleep and then had such a lovely dream. He was asking so that he could fly and meet me. He missed me and wanted to be together. It was so perfect and felt so real and so when I woke up, it hit me like a tonne of bricks and I just started crying.

It was 8am and so I crept out of the room to sit outdide in the garden. I responded to him explaining I fly a week on Saturday and asked him what his next plans are.

I was awake then and there was no way I would get back to sleep. My head was all over the place. I just wanted to speak to him.

I sat in the garden updating my blog from the previous day, looking through facebook and Instagram and the news. 

It was the early hours of the morning back home so no one would be awake. I felt so alone. I couldn’t stop crying and I had no tissues. I sobbed into my sarrong.

At 10am I spoke to the owner and asked if we could move to a 4 bed room for 2 nights. As Lea is coming to stay, we thought we would just stay in the same place.

He said he could add a bed into our room which I said would be fine. He has now offered us the other room that shares the bathroom, so we have 2 rooms between the 4 of us at no extra cost.

Nellie and I went for breakfast, Erik stayed to use the Internet. 

Just as we were leaving he text to say his plans are to go back to Thailand and meet up with one of his friends and girlfriend for a bit and then move onto Laos and then mo-ped round Vietnam. He asked what I had planned for my last week in Goa.

I responded to say it would be good for him to see his friend. It was something we had planned to do – he is still following our plan. I hope that when he sees how happy they are travelling together it might make him realise what he is missing out on. I also said I didn’t have a plan, and that I also need to figure out where I’m going after Sri Lanka as I need an onward flight booked to enter. I then sent a separate message saying I miss you. I just need him to know, I need him to remember how much I love him.

Over breakfast I think Nellie could tell I was feeling sad and asked if I had been in contact with him since leaving the uk and I said yes. She then asked what happened, why we weren’t together any longer and I just started crying at the table. I couldn’t explain, I couldn’t speak.

Erik came and saved me from having to, and we ate our breakfast in peace.

Lea is arriving around 1pm and we are going to explore some local beaches on scooters. Nellie said she wanted to go and buy a new bag in the meantime. I couldn’t face the heat or the market so came back to sit in the shade at the guesthouse.

I can feel today is just going to be a struggle. I am on the verge of tears at all times and just have a sick feeling.

I’m scared of what he is going to reply, if at all. I probably shouldn’t have said it but I just felt I needed to. I’m scared he’s going to say he doesn’t miss me. Or that we need to stop texting. I just want him back.

Hopefully keeping busy this afternoon and then going out tonight will make me feel better. However, I hope Nellie and Lea don’t ask anymore questions as I just can’t handle them today.

I just want my dream to come true and for Sazzle to smile again


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