Tears in the sand

Feeling sad.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. Since seeing that photo yesterday from a year ago, I just can’t snap out of this sad feeling.

Last night, Megan and I went for dinner at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant called Little World. It was so cute with higgldy piggldy walls and lots of dream catchers and tea light everywhere.

The menu is small and all vegetarian with a few vegan options. I went for the cashew curry with rice, which was a vegan dish. It was amazing! It was so tasty and flavoursome, definitely my favourite meal so far. We then pigged out and had a pudding. I had a chocolate brownie which was also delicious, although very rich and so I couldn’t quite finish it.

We had a good laugh over dinner and Megan invited me to head up to Darjeeling when she goes next week. She is there for a week and then heads home to Canada. I am very tempted, but having looked into flights and stuff it would be a very big detour to go up there and then back for my Sri Lanka flight. I’ve not said no yet, but it’s looking unlikely. 

We got back to Summer about 9.30pm and went out separate ways. Nelly returned to the dorm about 10pm after what sounds like a very frustrating day on scooters to a different waterfall, which was then dry when they got there. She was in desperate need of a shower but the water was off.  She quickly nipped downstairs and it was sorted for her.

Lights were out by 10.30pm but I was not able to sleep and continued writing my previous post.

I fell asleep crying,  just small tears leaking from my eyes and a horrible weight of sadness in my heart.

I had hoped this morning after an ok night sleep I would feel better. However, glancing at my phone, he hadn’t responded to my message from last night. He had asked me about parasailing and if I liked India. We also have a running joke about how cold his hands and feet used to be and I had said I was in need of them. I had responded when I got into bed last night, saying parasailing was scary but fun, and that I though India was hot, dusty and full of crazy drivers but I loved the beaches and the waterfall. Does the no response just mean he’s busy? Or he’s unwell? But it could be that he’s decided to stop talking to me? Or what I can’t stop thinking about, he’s with someone else? Who knows, but right now I’m in a bad place and all I want to do is text him and tell him that I miss him. 

I say that I’m in a bad place…but actually physically I’m in a wonderful place. I am lying on a sun bed on the beach, the sea not 50m from my feet, an ice cold watermelon juice and WiFi. 

But mentally, I feel like I’m in a dark pit, and it just keeps getting deeper and the light is getting further away. I have tears streaming down my face as I lie here in my bikini and I just can’t think of anything but him. I want to talk to him, I want to see him, I want to touch him.

I thought getting away would help, but I just feel totally alone and in my own head today. I don’t have the energy to do anything and I can’t paint on a smile and be sociable.

 I know being alone today is not helping, but the hostel is so quiet and Megan has gone. Nelly is nice but she had plans with 3 others to go on scooters to a different beach for the day. A guy I met at breakfast, Prit is with her, and said he would Facebook me about joining them for dinner later so hopefully I won’t be alone this evening. The other people in the hostel that I have seen are Russian and don’t speak English. 

After breakfast this morning, Megan and I sat in the common room and then she left at 10am. I went up to the dorm and sorted my drawer a bit as it had become quite messy. I had a shower and then headed towards the beach. From Summer the beach is abut a 20 minute walk, back along the dusty track road. I stopped at Little World for a fresh mint tea and had a bit of a read, trying to loose myself in someone else’s world for a bit.

A group of 2 couples came and sat next to me. One girlfriend was really angry as her boyfriend had taken something last night which made him loose all his stuff, swim in the sea in his clothes and then wake up on the sand surrounded by dogs. His friend had obviously tried to cover for him a bit but they kept making mistakes with their story and she was getting so angry. I just wanted to tell her to relax, it was his adventure too!

I walked down onto the beach and all the way to the opposite end to Marron Sea. The waves lapping against my ankles and cooling me down. 

I headed back and then up to Sai Valentine’s, a little beach hut restaurant with sun beds for some shade, which is where I am still sat.

Glad of the free WiFi, I messaged mum and B…but still no response from him.

Feeling so sad, I thought about telling someone back home, but there is nothing they can do. They will repeat the same advice, that he doesn’t deserve me and that this is my adventure and I’m going to love it. But right now, I would do anything to be curled up on the sofa with him, I’d even be happy if there was football on the TV. I would give up this adventure in a heartbeat to be with him. But I know that’s not an option, it’s either solo adventure or a merged adventure sometime in the future.

I know I need to live this adventure, use it to heal and to move forward. I don’t know that I will ever stop loving him, and I don’t want to – maybe that is the problem. In my head, and my heart, I am waiting for the day he comes back to me. And on that day I don’t want to realise that I have stopped loving him, because I know that’s what he thinks will happen. He doesn’t trust or believe in love, but I know that what we have is real.

Sazzle is no where to be seen today.


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