Mixed up and muddled

Feeling jumbled.

Today has been a strange day.

I went to sleep gone 2am last night. I just couldn’t get comfortable, I could get the air con on the right temperature and I kept thinking of things which made me hop out of bed. I slept well, waking only once at 7am which I guess is still from my home habit of waking at about 2-3am. I went back to sleep and my alarm went off at 9.30am. I felt very tired, although I don’t know why as I only lay around yesterday! Again I was tempted to stay in bed, miss breakfast but then I thought what a waste. After breakfast I can lie on a sun lounger and go to sleep if I’m tired. 

This morning I had lemon and sugar pancakes for breakfast. They were really good and reminded me of cooking pancakes when I was little. 

I moved onto my sun bed and started to read. Even at 10.30am it was hot, hotter than yesterday. I managed just under an hour and then I was too hot! I cooled off in the sea, swimming along the beach. 
I dried off in the sun and then headed for a bit shade. Like yesterday I swapped between the sun and shade all day and then when I got really hot went in the sea again. 


It was busier today, it’s Good Friday so maybe more people on holiday. A large group of Indian girls have arrived, with just one American guy. He is meeting his fiance’s friends for the first time, the couple over from the uk. I know this by listening to them, I haven’t spoken to them directly. They are now on the pitch black beach with the balloons with an LED light in them, all colourful and pretty.

I haven’t actually spoken to any of the other guests whilst I’ve been here. Just in my own little world, recovering, which was my plan for these few days. 

He text me this morning to say his sunburn wasn’t too bad and asked how my night was. I know he wants me to reply saying I’ve met some great people and had a crazy night but that’s just not what I’m doing right now. Who knows, at the hostel tomorrow night it may be, but my evenings here have just been me alone. I’m not doing it to make him feel bad, or even worse sorry for me. This is just what I think I needed before I go and get social with people. 

I had a sad moment earlier. I was on my sun bed and there was a couple in the sea. He was holding her, her legs wrapped round his waist and they were smiling and laughing. That’s what I should be doing, what we should be doing. I just still can’t believe it’s not.

I couldn’t help it, I cried, just a few tears that I couldn’t stop from falling.

I took a few deep breaths and thought about how crying was not going to help. 

I got up and strode into the sea. I started swimming and didn’t stop. I was half way to the rock before i knew it and then the panic started. I couldn’t reach the bottom, not even close. The image in my head was forming, teeth and a jet black eye. I couldn’t let it take hold, I couldn’t swim back or forward if it did – I’d drown. Deep breaths and I continued. There was another lady swimming from a diagonal angle to the same rock. I focussed on her, feeling better that there was someone else out there too.

And then, I made it! I got to the rock. My self set mission done. However, up close I could see the rock was covered in crabs. Big and little, all crawling over each other. There was no way to get up onto it!
The lady and I exchanged hellos as we trod water, and then we started the swim back, setting off in different directions.

It felt longer on the way back, my arms were tired and the waves were making it more difficult. I finally reached other people and knew I could stand up again. It took a good 40 minutes to get there and back!

I felt pleased with myself. Proud that I had done it. Alone.

I got back to my stuff and sadly the first thought I had was to text him and let him know. He knows how scared the sea makes me and how long it took for him to encourage me to go in the sea in Devon. But then I thought, what if he doesn’t care? What if I tell him this victory and he doesn’t care? 

I went back up to the room and had a shower. A whole mix of emotions going on and I’m unable to separate them. 

Instead I told my family. Mum said it was amazing and that she was proud of me. Sister M said there was no way she’d have gone near it with the crabs!

I told B too who also said it was amazing and that she was glad I hadn’t been eaten! 

I dressed in shorts and tshirt, and headed back down after a lie on the bed. 

I was just taking photos of some rock art that is just by the huts and the man from the shop just next door called my name. I had spoken to him yesterday, and promised I would go back to look at shop today. I had 500rp on me ready to go and buy something, I wasn’t going to break my promise. But he wanted to make sure I hadn’t forgotten!

The shop man asked me how my day was, said it had been very hot today. He then asked the question everyone seems to ask, who was I here with, quickly followed by do I have a boyfriend. I said no, and for once answered honestly and explained that was why I was here, heartbreak. He said that he thought I had a sadness, and asked if it was over a nice man. I nodded. He asked how old we both were and decided we were a good match. He went on to say that sometimes bad things happen but we have to deal with them as best we can. If it is true love then we will meet again and be happy, together. He said I was too beautiful to be so sad. I became quite choked up.

He started to walk away when a few drunk men started to approach. It was only 5pm but these men were staggering and shouting. The shop man stepped back to me and said I shouldn’t speak to them. I walked away with him, and he explained that earlier they picked a random girl up and threw her in the sea! Then the partner of the girl had obviously taken offence to this and a fight had resulted. 

We walked back to his shop and he started to show me everything! I decided on a purple pair of long baggy shorts and a blue/green dress. I had accidentally looked at a bag yesterday so he got millions out and laid them all over the floor. I didn’t really want one but they are nice. It’s not something I can use whilst away so I might have to think about posting it home!

He then started to get all the jewellery out. It was all beaded and chunky which is not my thing. Then he showed me a pretty anklet which I stupidly picked up. Before I knew it, he had put the clasp on around my foot. 
I told him that was it, nothing more. I was determined to get a better deal that yesterday! He offered 500rp for the anklet and 3500rp for the clothes and bag. I said no. 3000rp for everything. We eventually settled on 3500rp for everything, so I got him down with my bartering. 

So this means I now have no rupees left! I have spent £100!

But he did give me advice, and he has a little baby. His shop is not busy at all as it is the last one so he doesn’t get much custom. So I like that I have helped him out with some money. 

However, that is it now. No more shopping. Only food and drinks will be bought. 

So this is my last night at Marron Sea View Resort. It’s a beautiful place, so relaxed and chilled. I would recommend it to anyone that just wants to hit the beach and is happy with simple accommodation. 

Being honest, I’m feeling a bit nervous about the hostel tomorrow. I’m hoping there will be some nice people that I can chat with and go for a drink or an explore. I just want to have a good time and feel happy. I don’t plan on going mental, at the moment every time I drink a bit I end up sobbing. Not what I want to do again. 

So all in all a very mixed up day. I feel like I’m on the verge of crying, almost like I know that when I get into bed the flood gates are going to open.

Sazzle feels so far away from me, but then bits shine through – I got to the rock – and I know I’m on the right track.

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