Feeling numb.

He’s gone.

He flew yesterday morning and I have felt numb ever since.

I text him before he flew to wish him well. I didn’t expect a reply but he did and he said that it was weird being alone. He then said it was odd being on the plane without me. I wished with every bone in my body that I was on that plane sat next to him, but it wasn’t to be. His last message to me was that I would always have a piece of him. Great. I don’t want a piece, I want all of him. 

I was a mess, driving into work for my last day and instead of feeling excited for it, I was crying my eyes out as I knew he was flying away. He was really gone. 

Work then presented me with flowers and gifts, which set me off. I’m really not normally a crying person and my boss could see something was up. He told everyone to get back to work as it wasn’t like I wasn’t coming back. 

It was a strange day. I worked on what I could, responded to a few emails but there was no pint starting anything new. People came in throughout the day to say goodbye. It was all very awkward.

5.30pm finally came and I did my last commute in my car back to my parents. We had a drink in the sunshine to celebrate and then had dinner. I did feel like I should have arranged to go out and get drunk but I think that would have been a bad idea in the end. 

Today I had a lie in, no alarm and no need to get up. It felt good, but a bit like a weekend. It hasn’t sunk in yet. 

I had lunch outside in the sunshine with mum and then an afternoon of shopping with my sister M. I picked up a few last bits, a mini penknife (pink!), sun hat and a really retro phone as an emergency back up. I think I now have everything, and tomorrow it will be packed I got my backpack. Fingers crossed it all fits!

I don’t know if this numb feeling is good, but I haven’t cried today. I have a sick feeling in my stomach which I guess is nerves. I thought it might go once he had gone, but it’s not. So I guess my body is actually nervous and scared about what I am about to do, even if I feel numb. I really don’t think it is going to hit me until I am sat on the plane alone. And then I think it’s going to be terrifying! But maybe that is what I need to snap me out of this zombie like state. 

Mum and I went through all the flight information and the accommodation I have booked so that she has it all written down. I am using TripCase app to keep track of everything, but mum likes to have a written copy too, just in case. 

This evening has been lovely. Mum, M and I had fish and chips and watched Fantastic Beasts. A nice girly evening. 

I know I can’t read to much into this, or think that I means anything, but of course I am…he’s text me.

Oh, and good news! The car has been picked up!! I’m car-less for the first time in 11 years! That feels strange! She may be a heap of junk now but she has lasted well!

Tomorrow is my leaving drinks, I need to try to not get too drunk, and definitely need to try not to cry! 

5 days left until the hunt for Sazzle begins


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