Feeling sick.

There are so many countdowns going on in my head

13 days – I fly

7 days – My last day at work

9 days – My leaving drinks

7 days – He flies

2 days – He leaves for London

1 day – We say goodbye

0 days – His last day at work

I should be so excited about my countdowns, but all I can think about are his. 

I have this sick feeling in my stomach, it’s like a countdown to the end of hope. 

Still, even now, all I want is for him to tell me that he loves me and that we can go on our adventure together. Instead, so far, he has told me that he loves me but that we can’t get back together. That he needs time to travel alone and find “it” – whatever “it” is. 

I am seeing him tomorrow, maybe for the last time, maybe not. Stupidly, there is still the tiniest of glimmers of hope that he will realise he’s making a mistake. But deep down, I know this won’t happen.

I’m hoping once he has left I will be able to start to find some closure. I will be able to focus on my own countdowns and be excited for the crazy journey I’m about to go on. 

There will always be hope that we will meet whilst travelling, but I need to try and put that to the back of my mind. I need to go on my own adventure, enjoy it and make the most of it. If at some point we reconnect, that will be amazing but I can’t sit around and wait. I need to heal.

I am starting to look at what I will be doing whilst in Goa. The first few days will be just relaxing on the beach, but I can’t do that for 3 days. Doing nothing, sitting alone, is the worst for me. This is when I start to think, and then cry, and then if I’m not carful, sob. So I need to keep myself busy and my mind occupied.

There are so many stunning beaches in Goa, but also Old Goa looks great. With museums, art galleries and some of the largest churches in Asia. Definitely a few days of exploring here. There’s a wildlife sanctuary (I love animals). Dolphin boat trips (might be a bit romantic for solo). River kayaking. I’ve only had a quick look so far but lots of interesting things to investigate further. 

Once tomorrow, Friday and Wednesday are done, all I will have are my own countdowns. I hope this will ease the sick feeling and I can start to feel excited for me. For sazzle. 


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