Be Strong and Believe 

Feeling emotional.

I knew I had a lot of stuff, but just how much was a surprise!

I had the day off yesterday, and had a lovely time with Mum. We went to Cotswold Outdoor, an adventure/hiking shop to have a look round and see if I was missing anything. 

There are so many little gadgets but I managed to resist. I came away with a pair of cooling hiking socks and a money belt. Luckily all the clothes were still winters and so not suitable, otherwise I could have come away with a lot more. 

I’ve been thinking about taking a mosquito net, my mum was concerned about where I would hang it from – being only 5’3 I won’t reach many ceilings! But as I’ll be staying in hostels most the time, I hope I can reach the underneath of the top bunk! Maybe on my tiptoes! 

Mum and I had lunch together, it was so nice to spend time with mum. I’m going to miss her, she’s been my rock through these past couple of months, telling me I can do this. Be strong and believe is her motto.

I then had the fun task of sorting out my clothes, picking out only a few tops and shorts to take with me. I filled 6 bin bags of clothes, and we took them plus the boxes of stuff I didn’t sell at the car boot to the charity shop. 

Once I had dropped them all off, mum asked how it felt. I couldn’t answer, I just welled up, and shook my head. I couldn’t speak. 

I knew I would be getting rid of my stuff, but I thought it would be something we did together and it would be fun, not terrifying and sad. He always took the piss out of my stuff and he didn’t think I’d be able to let it all go. 

Well, I’d say I’ve shown him. I did another car load this evening, and now all I own in the world is what I will be wearing for the next couple of weeks, what I will be taking with me, my car (which is a heap of junk – webuyanycar offered me £50, but then I had to pay £45 admin fee…£5?!), my favourite pair of heels (being cared for by B) and a MagiMix food processor that my mum bought me a few years ago and it’s too good to get rid of!

My original plan was not to get rid of everything, I was going to keep clothes at a few friends houses, so when I got back I had stuff. But when I get back, I want a new start. I don’t want to wear a dress that reminds me of going out for dinner with him. I don’t want to wear a coat that reminds me of when we climbed a mountain. I don’t want to wear a bikini that reminds me of when we spent the day at the beach. I don’t want to wear a jumper that reminds me of when I sobbed over him. 

If I get what I want, and we meet up whilst both away and give us another go, I don’t want to come back to all the old memories. I want all the new memories of us on exotic beaches and trekking through jungles. 

And if I don’t get what I want, if this really is it, I can’t come back to my old life, or anything that will take me back to how I feel right now. I have never been so low, and I hate it. 

Anyway, enough sad talk, I have some very exciting and happy news! B has booked her flights! She will be flying on 9th July to Jakata, and spending 2 weeks with me! We have started looking at where we will go, and so far it looks like Java, Sumarta, Bali, Gili Islands, Lombok and Komodo. Quite a lot to cover in 2 weeks, so we may need to cut it down slightly! But it will be so amazing being with B whatever we do, I’m going to miss her so much. 

So now I have a bit more to add to the non-plan plan…Goa > Sri Lanka > undecided > Indonesia > undecided > find Sazzle > undecided…

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