Goodbyes

Feeling weird. 

It hit me on Sunday that I’m going to have to say goodbye to him. He is leaving Cheltenham to go to his dad’s on 31st March, and flies to Thailand on 5th April. How am I meant to say goodbye to him? How am I going to walk away from him, knowing he is going on our adventure without me? Not knowing if my hopes will come true and that we will meet on our travels once he has sorted his head out? Not knowing if I will ever see him again? Knowing we still love each other but that he can’t handle it and needs this time away, but not knowing if it will help or make it worse? Will he miss me? Will he realise how happy we were? Will I get my happy ever after? 

This is what I have been obsessing over for the past few days. Crying. Sobbing. Imagining the moment I am going to be held by him, when he will kiss me on the top of my head before I have to get in my car and drive away from him.

It was when I was crying on the way home from work today (an hour commute each way is the worst when heartbroken) and I suddenly realised, I don’t just have to say goodbye to him. I will be saying goodbye to my friends, my best friends and my family. This time in 3 weeks, I will be on a plane. Alone.

B is coming to see me in July, but I’m used to seeing her multiple times a week, dinner round hers, a drink at the pub, shopping at the weekend, Saturday nights out and hungover Sundays. July will be amazing but I’ll miss her. We have been through so much together. I’ve got to say goodbye to her. 

A is my oldest friend. We have been friends for over 10 years and still chat almost daily. Just random conversation about our days and what’s happening in life. I will still chat to her, but I’ll be so far away from her. I’ve got to say goodbye to her. 

M, my little sister. She’s just finished her 3rd year at uni and will be starting her new life as an adult. She’s thinking of going travelling after a summer of working, so maybe we will be in the same place at some point. She’s so grown up now with a flare for fashion, a guilty pleasure for tattoos and a great group of friends, but to me she’ll always be my little baby sister. I’ve got to say goodbye to her. 

L & D, my older sister and bro-in-law. They are having their second baby in June, I won’t meet my nephew/niece until I get back. Their son, O, is 5 and such a little character, very excited to be a big brother and he will be fantastic. I’ve got to say goodbye to them. 

Mum and Dad. The best parents I could ever wish for. Helping me through these past couple of months, not asking questions, but just being there. Supportive with home cooked meals, hugs, kind words and a place to stay. When I didn’t live here, mum and I text everyday, updates on our days. Fish and chip nights on a Thursday evening together. I’ve got to say goodbye to them.

The girls at the pub, who always welcome me with the biggest hugs and make me laugh until my tummy hurts. I’ve got to say goodbye to them.

The boys, friends I have inherited but who are always up for a game of shooting zombies to make me feel better with a cup of tea. I’ve got to say goodbye to them. 

My manager, someone I have worked with for over 3 years at 2 different places. He trusts me and we work together so well. I will be returning to work with him but who knows when. I feel bad leaving him, he’s been so supportive through this. I’ve got to say goodbye to him.

J & B, friends who told me to go for it after 5 bottles of white wine. Who made me smile and forget about him whilst gossiping over dinner. I’ve got to say goodbye to them. 

The friends I work with, all are excited for me. The random chats, funny conversations that make the day go faster. I’ve got to say goodbye to them. 

I’ve been so wrapped up and consumed by my heart break, I hadn’t realised all the people I will be away from, all the people I will miss, all the people I’ve got to say goodbye to. 

3 weeks today, I will be on a plane. Alone. Having said goodbye to everyone I love. But on my way to find Sazzle…

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